You don’t have to like me

Alida Nugent is an Irish-Puerto Rican, New York based author who wrote about her struggles with identity in her 2015 novel, You don’t have to like me. In this novel, she shares her version of the female experience from the time of her birth through her twenties.

In the first chapter, she brings up how many fathers of young girls get warned early about how men will treat their daughters. Nugent notes how it made no sense to her that grown men were talking about teenage boys chasing her down the block after a rejection, all while she was still in diapers.

“Despite all this, he never knew if I would be okay, or be safe. He didn’t know if I would get the same opportunities, or if people would love me for my brain, or like my smile, or listen to me when I spoke. Maybe that’s what’s really scary when the doctor tells you it’s a girl.”

And the microscope isn’t just men judging women’s worth, it is also women’s opinions of themselves and other women. Nugent discusses this in the context of beauty. She notes how women are judged if they think they are beautiful (i.e. you are vain), while at the same time, society is constantly suggesting ways to “be more beautiful.”

“Struggling with beauty is sort of a given for women….I thought beauty was something bestowed upon you by a fairy at birth. I thought beauty was magic you couldn’t harness,” says Nugent. “When somebody lets me know they liked my hair longer, or I would be beautiful if I dyed it lighter, or that the lipstick I am wearing is too much, I want to scream something along the lines of: What more do you want from me?”

Another stereotype Nugent tackles in her book is that women travel in packs like wolves. 

“Although there is some truth behind the stereotype that women like to travel in packs,” she says there are reasons for this including that “it feels safer that way, on account of how many women get attacked and harassed all the freaking time.”  She notes that she “hate[s] feeling nervous” and “hate[s] looking behind” her to make sure she’s safe. 

“I don’t think it is all men  who attack women,” Nugent says. “It’s that I just can’t tell which ones are the ones who will.” 

But what does this have to do with feminism? Sure, sharing the female experience is one thing, but Nugent is hardly burning razors at the stoop of some misogynists’ door. She spends a good amount of time in the book defining feminism on her own terms.

“The truth is, most of the time, women don’t want to publicly declare themselves feminists because of good old-fashioned not-interested-in-going-there syndrome,” says Nugent. “And that’s why I’m writing this book. For years, I treaded lightly around the word because I didn’t want to deal with people’s reactions. I worried about being liked more than I worried about being right, or tough, or honest. I made a living as a blogger, and then as an author, and I still feared saying it…I was a real human woman who could really benefit from the declaration, and I was still afraid. Then, after I got tired of a great many things, I got a lot more scared of my disadvantages than the actual word ‘feminism.’” 

Nugent defines feminism as “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.”

Yet some women hear the word feminist, and shudder. Some believe that to be a feminist you must be a man hater. She argues this is not the case at all.

“You can feel however you want about them [men],” says Nugent. “Equality has nothing to do with loving or hating them. And it has everything  to do with feminism.” 

Don’t worry, Nugent is not leaving you empty handed on how to be a feminist.

“Speak up, girl. What you have to say is important,” she says. Her advice is “find a shade of lipstick that you really love and pray it doesn’t get discontinued. Ask someone out. If you don’t want to go out on Saturday, don’t, and don’t feel guilty. Eat your vegetables. Say yes if the worst thing that can happen is you will fail. Learn to throw things out. Get renter’s insurance. Read as many books as you can. Get a little more sleep. Take a jacket. Only say ‘I’m sorry’ when you really mean it. Get what you really want by being authoritative and firmm. Put a pinch of nutmeg in your roux. Bring extra socks when packing. Save your money. Get taxis when it is late. Go for seconds. Kiss often. Be more fearless, not more reckless. Take the steps to change. Admit when you are wrong. Buy a screwdriver. Make your bed. Pay your bills on time. Remember you are worthwhile and important. Make yourself happy.”